Skip to main content

Three Dirty Jokes That Suck

You know how when you're a kid you laugh at things just because you think you're supposed to?

I remember watching Fierce Creatures when I was still in middle school and I thought, "This isn't really uproarious or anything, but I recognize that I'm supposed to laugh now.  You know what?  I think I might."  And then I'd cock back my head and cackle loud enough that anybody observing would think, Hey, look at that kid!  He understands punchlines!  We should get him a medal.  And maybe some cake.

But then there were times when I heard a joke that I didn't understand.  I could figure out the part that was supposed to be a punchline, but due to a combination of me being dense and/or a child, I didn't realize why it was supposed to be funny.

The thing is, if a fellow eight year-old just told you a dirty joke and you didn't laugh, you'd out yourself as an idiot.  And that would be way uncool.  So I'd still fake laugh.

Now, years later, I'm old enough to understand the punchlines.  And you know what?  Some of these jokes are just plain shitty.  Here's three that keep popping in my head.

1. Blower's Cramp

This is one of those "pranks" that you play in middle school.  You go to your friend and you say, "Hey, John, this is blower's cramp!"  And then you hang your mouth open for like five seconds, and then you ask, "Get it?"

Now your buddy has only two ways to answer.  He can say "No" and you get to laugh at him.  What a dumbass!  He doesn't get it!  Or he can say "Yes" and you get to laugh at him.  This guy blows SO MANY people that he gets Blower's Cramp!  What a dumbass!

The thing is, when I was a kid, I genuinely didn't understand.  It would go like this:

Some Kid:  Hey, Josiah!  This is Blower's Cramp!  (Opens mouth.)  Get it?
Some Kid:  Ha!  You don't get it!
Me:  No, I don't.  What is it?
Some Kid:
Me:  Is it like a dance move or something?
Some Kid:  Nevermind.  Nobody likes you.  (Leaves.)

Years later it finally dawned on me what "Blower's Cramp" was.  My reaction was, That's just stupid.  If you're going to try to trick people, then you should come up with a better name for it.  It's like that "asphinctersaysWHAT?" joke from Wayne's World, only if you forgot to be subtle about it.

Really this one is just a waste of time.  If you want to tell somebody that they suck dick, can't you just say it?

2. Two Assholes on a Boat

Two guys are out in a boat and they both need to take a piss.  So they stand up, back to back, and pull their junk out.  While they're doing their thing, one of them decides to joke around.  He says, "Hey Bill!  This water's cold!"  And then Bill says, "Yeah.  And it's deep, too!"

To be fair, this one probably was ruined for me by a shitty delivery.  Usually I heard it as, "Two guys are out in a lake...." without any reference to a boat, and so my mind immediately jumped to a picture of two guys literally in the lake, swimming.

And so I always wondered what was so funny about two guys peeing while treading water.  "Is it just supposed to be funny that they're taking a piss?  Is that it?"  But no, the punchline was, "And it's deep, too!"  So then I'd think, "That's not funny.  It's kinda scary.  If the lake is that deep, maybe they're in danger of drowning.  Those guys shouldn't be swimming that far in the lake."

Later I realized it's just a dick joke.  Two guys bragging about their dicks.  Got it.

Now it's actually less funny.  "Hey Bill!  I got a long dick!"  "Oh, yeah?  Guess what?  I got a longer dick!  Ha!"  Who gives a shit?

This seems less like a joke and more like some mildly amusing thing that somebody's friend said to them once while they were fishing, and then they repeated it to some other folks, and gradually it turned into a joke.  It's the dirty joke equivalent of that one funny thing your pal Dave said when he was high that one time in college, you know, that one time?  And it never works as well when you try to explain it again?

3. Deeper

This woman has a son and names him Deeper.  Deeper has a crush on his school teacher.  One day Deeper comes in to class and offers his teacher a hundred dollars if she'll let him have sex with her.  The teacher accepts and so they get to it.  Then his mom comes to school to pick him up, and when she walks into the classroom she catches them in the act.  She screams, "Deeper!  Deeper!"  And then Deeper says, "I'm trying, Mom!  I'm trying!"

I first heard this when I was seven years old.  At age seven, my understanding of sex was limited purely to its practical applications.  I had no concept of the dirty things people might say in bed, and so hearing this joke at first just created a lot of confusion.

Once I understood that the kid's name is supposed to be a pun (and a crappy one at that), I briefly thought it was ambiguously funny in the same way that somebody shouting "PENIS!" really loud in an auditorium was funny: it was a dirty thing that was said out loud.

Then I grew up.  And you know something?  This might be the stupidest dirty joke I've ever heard.

First of all, you're reaching.  You're really reaching.  The mom names her kid "Deeper?"  She specifically chooses a comparative adjective as the name for her kid?  And that name just happens to have an obvious function in the context of a sexual act?

Hell, why not say that the mom named her son "Fuckerharder?"  It's just as believable, and it's at least funny the first time you hear it.

Secondly, you need to come up with some kind of contrivance to get the mom to walk in on her kid having sex in order for the punchline to work, and this is the worst way you can put it together.  The second you bring pedophilia into a joke, you're pretty much obligated to make your joke about pedophilia.  Why not do a joke about the kid having sex with his girlfriend when he's in high school?

Thirdly, the joke only works if kid's name sounds at least halfway plausible as the sort of thing somebody would say during sex.  Which begs the question.... how often do women actually shout "deeper" mid-coitus?  Outside of this joke, I've never heard of this being a thing.  Best case scenario, it's impractical, and worst case scenario, it's pretty damn insulting.  It's like shouting, "Bigger!  Bigger!"

It's kind of like a deconstructed dirty joke.  The elements are there and they have the skanky taste of smut upon them.  But it's so unfunny that whoever added the flavor can't possibly understand humor.

I guess a kid wrote it.