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The Inevitability of Terror

Transformers: Age of Extinction came out earlier this summer.


I have no desire to see it.  I've not made it a secret how much I detest Transformers 2.  And although the other entries in the franchise have not hit a low quite that far, I can't say I've enjoyed them too terribly much more.  I doubt that the addition of a few extra characters I give no shits about will make any difference this time around.

Unfortunately, my wife likes these movies.

I believe it is because they kept Peter Cullen on call to do the voice for Optimus Prime, and this is somehow sparking a neural connection in the deep recesses of her brain where Childhood Joy is linked with Happiness Now.  I wish there existed a Cullenless cut of the films so I could test this theory and give her objective proof that the movies are terrible.

Regardless, its mere existence means that I am doomed to watch Transformers 4.  Probably sooner than later.

On a list of the top five hundred things I expect to do this year, Transformers 4 does not rate - and note that I said "expect," not "want."  For example, I have jury duty in August.  And I need to get my car's brakes checked out.  I also expect I will need to drain the scum bucket that's hanging out under our kitchen sink as a long-term temporary fix to our crappy plumbing.

I expect I will need to wipe my baby's ass several dozen - hundred? - times before the year is out.  And even if I had to put all of those ass-wipings together in a row to form some kind of horrible two week long block in which I did nothing but wipe baby ass, I will still be happier during that time than any of the minutes where I sit in dreaded anticipation of Transformers 4.

I would have a better evening marathoning the last two Twilight movies and the entire Atlas Shrugged trilogy.

I might even have a better time watching Rent again.

Life is too short for this.