I was going to write a satirical essay for my site today. I had this brilliant flash of inspiration about how I could make fun of the ancient aliens hypothesis - you know the bullshit I'm talking about, right? The terribly misguided, unsubstantiated, totally made up, and actually extremely racist idea that aliens were responsible for virtually all of the architectural and/or artistic creations in ancient civilizations?
I was going to write a straight-faced ancient aliens styled essay about the Washington Monument. Like, "There's just no way that human beings could produce something so tall and perfectly square using 18th century technology. And to put a man-made lake in front of it? Preposterous! Clearly the founding fathers were helped by aliens!"
For a few minutes, I was really excited. But as with any good idea I have, I suspected that somebody had probably done it already. Maybe The Onion. So I did a quick Google search to find out. You know what I found?
The sons of bitches already proposed it. Seriously.
You bastards. You miserable, dumb, short-sighted, attention-desperate, can't-get-a-real-job-so-I'll-make-shit-up-instead bastards. You stupid, anti-education, anti-science, anti-history, anti-reality cunts.
Fuck you for saying something so stupid and ruining the world with your vapid, mindless, empty-headed blathering nonsense. Fuck you for screwing up the brains and futures of our children by clouding actual history with your meaningless, meandering garbage. Fuck you for trying to take us a thousand paces back and to the left while actual hardworking scientists and/or historians continue to struggle and work hard for very, very little money doing actual work and research, and fuck you for draining all of their resources and attention with your complete waste of time and life.
Fuck Erich von Daniken, fuck Giorgio Tsoukalos, fuck Robert Temple, and fuck David Icke. Fuck the History Channel for daring to run this bullshit under the banner of education, and fuck our country for allowing it to happen for the sake "freedom of speech." Fuck all of you for making the world worse, one bad, unsupported idea at a time.
But most of all, fuck you for ruining my idea! I can't believe that I'm unable to write a parody piece about the stupidity of your argument because you already said something so fucking stupid!
I hate the world right now. Satire's only fun when there's light at the end of the tunnel.