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Yup, I'm still jealous.

I was listening to a recent episode of the Slash Filmcast.  (The /Filmcast?  I normally don't write this out.)  They were talking about While We're Young, a movie I haven't seen yet, but which tackles a lot of everyday topics that should resonate with somebody like me: change, parenthood, the transition from one form of adolescence to the next, inter-generational conflict, art, etc.

It sounds like a film I'll probably enjoy, but the problem is that I found myself becoming irrationally jealous while listening.  And when I say "irrational," I really mean "almost psychopathic."

In the space of like two minutes I went from thinking, "Wow, this is probably a pretty interesting movie that would speak to my generation and the universal fears all human beings share" to "I WROTE ABOUT THIS ALREADY WHY THE FUCK ISN'T ANYBODY BUYING MY FUCKING BOOK."

I think I need meds.

I've been having these kinds of mood swings a lot lately.  It's kind of ridiculous, really.  The cold logical part of me can look at my actions so far and point out all the reasons why I'm not a huge success: I haven't been on social media promoting it, I'm not well-known, I haven't done any kind of book tours, etc.  And when I let that reason wash over me like a frigid shower, I find myself alert and motivated to get back to a marketing plan.

Then the empathetic part of me that wants to give everyone a big hug when they've had a bad day says, "It's okay, buddy.  You just started a big uphill climb.  You'll get there in a few years."  And I start feeling some hope again.

But then I start to remember all the other crap I have to get done on a daily basis.  Like washing dishes.  Or doing laundry.  Or, I guess, if I really have to, going to work.  And then it feels like my goal is too far away and I start getting lazy.  And then I'll just push away all those feelings in a box somewhere because if I obsess about them too much, I won't get anything done.  I'll just sit on the couch and eat chips while watching made-for-TV sequels to movies that didn't need one.

So inevitably, I end up ignoring all that frustration and getting complacent with a routine for about a week or two.  Then somebody brings up something like While We're Young.  And all of a sudden, all that repressed stuff comes roaring out like a demon.  Good ol' writer's jealousy: my success is worth talking about, and everyone else's success only exists because they haven't seen my stuff yet.

Lucky thing I have this blog to psychoanalyze myself.  I might end up having way worse problems if I didn't have a weekly outlet.

Anyway, apologies to everyone who made While We're Young.  It's probably decent.  I'll watch it eventually.

(Hey, how's this for irony?  I'm a frustrated artistic type with regrets about my personal failures transitioning from clueless post-adolescence to adulthood complaining about a movie that deals with artistic types with regrets about personal failures transitioning from early adulthood to middle adulthood because it prompted other artistic types with regrets about personal failures transitioning from early adulthood to middle adulthood to give it compliments instead of reading my book about an artistic type with regrets about personal failures transitioning from adolescence to adulthood.  Maybe I should write a book about my blog and complete the circle.)

(Never mind, that's a terrible idea.  You guys ever see Julie and Julia?  The worst parts of that movie were about her blog.  That's not a hook.)

(Hey, while I'm in the middle of some parentheticals, let me just ask: How's your day so far?  Have a good weekend?  Did you have any crises of conscience you want to share?  I don't have to be the only one unloading, you know.  Comment if you've got some weight on your shoulders.)