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Fifty Things That Would've Made "Fifty Shades of Grey" Worth Watching

1) Puppets.

2) Ana not understanding BDSM until Christian draws a stick figure diagram.

3) Sad trumpet sounds.

4) An elaborate BDSM-themed gala featuring all the Fortune 500 CEOs.

5) Full frontal penis.

6) Full frontal penis wearing a tiny hat.

7) A montage of Steele trying on different kinds of bondage rope until she finds the right one.

8) A pet alligator. Especially if it has a monocle.

9) Ana pulling on a book in Christian's library one day and accidentally revealing a secret passageway, which she follows into a cavernous underground lair where she finds out his actual fetish is pretending to be Batman.

10) Any actual BDSM.

11) After signing the contract, Ana defying Christian's command, which causes him to sue her, seguing into a courtroom thriller.

12) Benny Hill music.

13) Christian slipping out of bed during sex followed by five minutes of Ana humping a broomstick and not noticing the difference.

14) An extended sequence of Christian's mom going grocery shopping and struggling to choose between the different types of low-fat strawberry yogurt while quipping about modern life to a bored stockboy.  (In the end, she settles on Dannon Fruit on the Bottom, but Oikos comes close.)

15) More farting in bed, please.

16) Ana and Christian getting hot and heavy with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs until the handcuffs become sentient and object, followed by a violent uprising.

17) Group sex with Christian's neighbors, Rosa Black and Maximum Thrustwell White, followed by awkward breakfast.

18) Ana agreeing to sign Christian's contract after he indulges in her secret fetish: diaper play.

19) Shame.

20) Ana saying, "You wanna see something really scary?" and then turning away from the camera while it pans up to a starry sky and fades out.

21) Christian giving a dramatic reading of some Jane Austen to Ana for about twenty minutes, then stopping abruptly and telling Ana they can't see each other anymore.

22) A talking cat.  Preferably the one from A Talking Cat!?!

23) Ana's scathing review of Christian on Yelp.

24) Christian keeling over during sex, then screaming and writhing until a tarantula bursts out of his chest, then puts on a leather suit and whips another tarantula.

25) Christian getting really frustrated and drinking a lot because he is stuck for inspiration on the right way to whip Ana.

26) A pregnancy scare, but only if it's Christian who tests positive.

27) Ana yawning while being choked, which leads to erectile dysfunction.

28) Christian's slow-dawning disappointment when he realizes that virgins aren't very good at sex.

29) Christian sadly trying to whip his own ass, followed by crying while masturbating.

30) An Arnold Schwarzenegger voice dub for all of Christian's lines, since Jamie Dornan was basically just doing a Terminator impression, anyway.

31) Christian being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future and then deciding to give away all of his sex toys to the less fortunate.

32) A cameo by E. L. James as Christian's quirky apartment building manager, followed by a post-credits stinger of her being arrested for voyeurism.

33) James Spader.

34) McDonald's product placement.

35) Banjo music.

36) Butt plugs.

37) Butt plugs with tiny hats.

38) A long sequence at the pharmacy where Ana tries to buy her birth control, but she keeps getting the run around because of some esoteric insurance law, which segues into Christian spending vast amounts of his fortune over the next thirty minutes pushing for healthcare reform.

39) A surprise wedding for Ana's cats.

40) Kumite.

41) Ana and Christian going to the laundromat and pretending the stained bed sheets aren't theirs.

42) A high stakes strip poker game.

43) Food-based foreplay, segueing into the shocking reveal that Ana is lactose intolerant.

44) A long bondage scene in which Ana strains fearfully to free herself from her bonds while Christian grows increasingly impatient, until at last she gets the ropes off and he goes, "Ta-Da!", then the camera zooms out and shows an enthusiastic audience.

45) Christian putting a collar and leash on Ana, then realizing too late that he mixed it up with the invisible fence collar he got for his dog.

46) An extended whipping sequence in which Christian Grey uses a temporal displacement beam to travel through time and whip Ana six times all at once.

47) A zoom out to reveal that the whole movie is a story Ana is writing in her dorm room, followed by another zoom out to reveal that Ana's college is inside a snow globe in Christian Grey's office, followed by another zoom out to reveal that one office building wearing leather is whipping Christian Grey's office building.

48) Misplaced and forgotten chocolate pudding.

49) Christian ejaculating and then a zoom in to reveal that his semen is comprised of smaller versions of himself who run around and tie him up like that scene in Army of Darkness.

50) Christian Grey reacting to literally any thing in literally any way whatsoever.

All the Other Nonsense That Got Pushed Off the Main Page (Post Archive)