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A Brief Review of "Sirius" (2013) / I'm going to lose my shit for 500 words or so.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

A couple weeks back, I watched Sirius.  It's a... thing.

I'm hesitant to call this a "documentary" because it's not even really that.  It's... I don't know what you call it.  It defies description because it is such a uniquely uninformed, misguided, crazy, wrong, non-cinematic, poorly-made, bad experience.  It's the kind of thing I watch and I immediately wish I had spent the last two hours picking presents out of my litter box and organizing them by shape and weight instead.

Unfortunately, since we don't have a better name for it, I think we have to call it a "documentary" just to have somewhere to put it.  But make no mistake: this isn't a documentary.  Documentaries are video or film dissertations on a subject that take a guided, structured approach to present an opinion or a summary of information.

But Sirius isn't that at all.  There's no structure, there's no point, there's not any kind of cohesion between the random claims it makes.  It's just a bunch of unrelated garbage thrown together and narrated with Spooky Voice by a bored Thomas Jane.  At no point does it even attempt to build up to some kind of unified message about anything.  It's 110 minutes of people vomiting liquid bullshit onto the screen and hoping you'll be so mesmerized by the colors you won't ask any questions.

It's one thing to make a movie with falsifiable claims - that's annoying.  But to do it this poorly?

Even if I was going to give Sirius the benefit of the doubt and try to review it on an "objective" level, it's just an incompetently made movie.  It's edited so badly.  The interviews are ugly.  The camera goes in and out of focus.  The sound is often hard to hear.  And sometimes images totally unrelated to the narration appear on screen for no apparent reason.

Watching it is like listening to a homeless schizophrenic talk about his pills for two hours.  Occasionally you'll hear something you can latch onto and say, "Oh, he's upset about the government."  But for the most part, you'll just be thinking, "I can't even tell what the fuck you're saying.  Can you please enunciate?  And can you string some of those words together in a complete sentence?"

It weaves aimlessly between 9/11 conspiracy theories, government cover-ups of UFO sightings, telepathic interpretations of astronomy, the healing powers of crystals, the idea that Ata is an alien corpse, the military industrial complex, ancient aliens, and a dark conspiracy out to kill Stephen Greer that has somehow not yet succeeded despite the fact that he routinely invites anonymous strangers into his home - with no required credentials or proof of identity - to powwow in his living room and talk about psychic brain waves.

If the subject matter was even remotely believable, I might look past the pathetic attempts at filmmaking.  But there's nothing here.  It rattles off so many easily disprovable claims and statements at such a breakneck pace that you quickly realize this movie has nothing of value to contribute to humanity.  It is a mind-numbing, stupid experience that's hoping to assault you with quantity before you have any idea about its lack of quality.

It also introduced me to CSETI, which has to be the single dumbest group of losers I've ever heard about.  The fact that they dared to put "SETI" into their name is an insult to anybody with two functioning brain cells.  SETI may be far-fetched at times, but it's backed by scientists who work out of labs and use expensive, high-powered equipment, time-intensive research, and deep statistical analysis to see if there is any evidence of extra-terrestrial intelligence.  CSETI is a bunch of assholes who sit in lawn chairs in the desert and stare at the sky with binoculars, then wet their pants anytime a light sparkles.

CSETI is kind of like if I, as a deep sea enthusiast, went boating 100 feet off the coast of Virginia and drew what I could see from the surface, then tried to use that as proof of sea monsters.  I can call my adventures whatever name I want, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm wasting everybody's goddamn time.

Jesus, this movie makes me angry.

I'm calling it now.  Sirius is the worst movie I'll see all year.  I doubt I can find another one that will be as poorly made and piss me off as much and be as harmful for society as this.  This may even be in the running now for the worst movie I've ever seen.  For as much as I complained about Transformers, I at least understood that there were good and bad robots.  But this?  I can't even figure out if they're robots.

God help you if you watch, because this movie is the Devil's fartbag.  That's right.  It is literally a bag that the Devil wraps around his asshole and farts into all day.  Go ahead and take a whiff if you really want, but don't complain to me when your brain hemorrhages.

My Rating: 0 / 5

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