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My new obsession: Finding psychotic reviews of "Super Why" on

You're all familiar with Super Why!, right?  No?  Alright, here's a quick breakdown: It's a computer-animated kid's show on PBS about a kid named Whyatt ("Why" for short) and some friends who try to help kids read.  The format always starts with Why or one of his friends asking a question, and then they ask their magical library to give them an answer.  They use super powers / magic to go inside a book, play some word games, get your kids to interact a bit, change words in a sentence, screw around a bit, and then come up with some bullshit answer to wrap everything up.

It's absolutely not terrific entertainment, but that's not the point.  It's an educational show designed for kids 2-4 that uses a variety of songs, interactivity, games, and mnemonics to teach reading skills.  It's fantastic in that respect.  It's designed to get kids to read, and it's very good at what it does.  Definitely a good one to put on if you need a babysitter for twenty minutes.

I was curious how many episodes are available, so I googled it the other day and saw this strange thing:

Only a 4.9?  That's shockingly low.  I mean, sure, the animation is cheap and the stories aren't really what I'd call "fun," but the educational value is absolutely terrific.  I've seen very few kids' shows that go to the effort to teach in as many different ways as this one does.

Then I saw this:

Ah.  Got it.  Angry middle school kid who hates everything dislikes show intended for two year-olds.  Go figure.

Now, that's all fine by itself.  Well, not really - if you find yourself writing a review of a preschool-targeted show and you invoke the word "plot," then you've already lost the battle.  But I at least understand.  Kids' shows are annoying sometimes, so maybe you find it funny to vent about it online. I get that.  Hell, I do it all the time right here on my blog.  I'll even forgo the obvious joke about somebody with terrible grammar ranting about a show designed to promote literacy.  It's fine.

Then I started to fall down the rabbit hole:

...what?  No application to real life?

I... I don't follow.  Do you not understand the concept of fiction?  Like, does it really roil up your blood any time you have to read a fairy tale?  "Ooh, what the fuck, PUMPKINS DON'T TURN INTO CARRIAGES, you MORON!"

At least you gave it a few points for teaching "some alphabet."

But, okay, whatever.  Some people just have extremely high (translation: impossible) standards for toddler-aged media and want a show that is not only a great educational tool, but also grounded 100% in reality with no fantastical elements whatsoever and still keeps their attention.  (Just a reminder: this is an age range where some kids still haven't totally grasped the concept that poop goes in the toilet.)

Fine.  To each his own.

Then I saw this:

Which is kind of more of the same, but even more ridiculous.  So, okay, fine, Sabrina also dislikes fiction as a concept, but now she's arguing that you can't look in a book to solve a problem, which is basically one of the top three reasons that books exist in the first place.  Didn't you ever do a writing prompt in school?  Did you not have language arts classes?

I mean, at this point, the review isn't about the show anymore - it's just like some vague criticism of the concept of television in general.  Point 3 doesn't even make any sense because learning to solve your own problems by asking questions is literally the exact plot of the show.

Whatever.  Fine.  It doesn't matter - people can have their own opinions and love or hate whatever the hell they want.  No problem.  I don't need to get worked up about what random teenagers or irritable parents are writing online. what I would have said.  And then I found this:

Wow.  I... I can't even... my head hurts so bad.

Like, I really want to complain about this more.  I want to go on a long rant about how you're abusing the term "Orwellian" and how the availability of choice and ability to effect change in your environment in order to follow your own path in life are all completely contrary to the behavioral control you so desperately fear, and therefore you've just undercut your batshit psycho drivel.  But I fear that in so doing, I will become the very monster that I loathe.  I don't want to be that guy.

I just... I don't understand.  Do people really not get it?  Is the concept of an educational show for two year-olds that hard to figure out that you guys need a diagram?

Fine.  Here it is:

Jesus Christ.  It's a good thing there isn't a website where you can write reviews of your children, or all these assholes would be like, "Ugh, my infant shat herself AGAIN.  No stars!"

I need to go lie down.  The Internet has confounded me.