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The damningest of faint praise for "Alice Through the Looking Glass" (2016)

It's better than the first one.  And that should absolutely be taken as an insult.

Alice in Wonderland (2010) is one of my most hated movies.  (Fun_Dad seemed to like it, though.) It's on the short list of movies that make me just plain angry.

It's not just that it's a bad movie.  Trust me.  I've seen 3,000 movies by now, including every Leprechaun, Species, and Tremors sequel.  Bad movies are kinda my bread 'n butter.  Bad movies come and go.  They vanish from my brain almost as soon as I see them.

Alice 2010 isn't a "bad" movie - it's an aggravating one.  It's plotless, mindless drivel stuffed to the gills with forced fun, unearned quirk, and dime store philosophy about individuality.  If I was Ebert, I'd have saved my "hate, hate, hate" review for it instead of North.  And I say this as a Tim Burton defender - I'll even excuse Dark Shadows.  But not Alice 2010.

Fuck Alice 2010.  Fuck it.  It's a miserable, jaw-droppingly, gut-stabbingly irritating movie with obnoxious people playing obnoxious roles and spewing obnoxious dialogue.  I hate its stupid epic battle, I hate its high school drama dork infatuation with silly words, I hate its dumbshit teenage angst, I hate its cheap-ass, crack-riddled carnie music, and I want it to choke to death on its magic.

But what did I think of Alice Through the Looking Glass?  Eh.  I thought "eh."  For about two hours. Then I went to bed and forgot most of what happened.

So, yes, it's absolutely the better movie.  It's still plotless and I still hate its whimsy, but it doesn't masturbatorily revel in its nonsense the same way Alice 2010 does.  Looking Glass is more in love with its stupid time travel plot, which, despite being stupid, makes some sense and basically gets to the fucking point.  It also has 80% less Mad Hatter, which instantly bumps it up.

Which means I am once again confused by the Internet, which tells me that audiences and critics alike both preferred the prequel.

You guys are wrong.  Plain and simple.  But considering that we're comparing puke to vomit, I don't have the energy to do too much defending here.